Photo above: A spring table, set for a fête. Painting by Tom Vieth (more info below).
If you are invited to a French person’s home for a dinner party, you should know this: you are really someone special. The French tend to dine in restaurants with friends, and being invited to dinner chez eux is a big occasion. Especially if you’re a foreigner. And a French dinner party is not the come-on-over-Saturday-and-we’ll-throw-some-steaks-on-the-grill sort of affair. It’s a special event. All the more so, in a country where every meal is somewhat of a special event.
I came across an article called What to Expect When Invited for Dinner in a French Home, by Camille Chevalier-Karfis, the French language expert on about.com’s learning site. She gives a good overview, but I decided to add a few thoughts of my own, that she didn’t cover:
Arrive late. Le quart d'heure de politesse, it’s called, the ten to fifteen minute grace period for the hosts to do their last minute dash.
Bring a Gift. Wine is not the thing to bring, it suggests you’re trying to play sommelier for the evening. Bring a little hostess gift of some sort, or a plant or flowers (already arranged, please). We often bring wine AND a gift, but we will whisper in the host’s ear, “Here’s a little something to tuck away in your cave.” Photo: Dining with French friends this past summer.
Gear up for a long evening. From les apéros to les digestifs, at a French dinner party, the evening unfolds and blossoms in slow motion. Even a summer barbeque party is apt to have the same multi-course structure. We are seldom home before midnight, even with our aging crowd!
Don’t sashay into the kitchen to help with the serving or cleaning up. Unlike the States, this is not the land of the open kitchen; the kitchen is the domain of the chef, and your hosts want to regale you with warm and wonderful service. An offer to help is OK, but keep your seat if it’s declined.
Enjoy yourself! There will laughter and heated discussions and wine and much fun. Dining in France is one of the best parts of living here.
NEXT POST: How to throw a fun French-themed dinner party of your own, for your Francophile friends.
About the painting above: You may know Susan and Tom Vieth from their delightful blog, A Small Village in France. Tom painted this wonderful scene and it's now available as a silk scarf! Perfect for spring (should it ever arrive…). Get the info and see other scarves, here.
In the COMMENTS: Christine (of the Pen at the Ready blog), I have a collard greens-averse husband too. But then, he's not from the South. Libby of Libby Wilkie Designs is headed for Charleston–you'll no doubt hear even more about Sean Brock. Suzanne has a Louisville restaurant recommendation. And cornbread crumbs ,Suzanne, that is so inspired. Natalia, I'm jealous you're in the Southwest, where the Mexican food is divine!
Favorite Reads: Our reader Christine Webb-Curtis has a new book out called Adventures in the Southern Corners of France
12 thoughts on “Becoming the Perfect French Guest”
Our closest friends in France have invited us to dinner so often that I admit that I don’t bring a gift every time because I know that they don’t need to be cluttering up their home with this and that.
However, now I feel guilty that I went to one grand dinner without a gift. My husband and I were the only Americans and I believe we didn’t get out of there until after 1 a.m. We were hard put not to fall asleep at the table, especially when sometime after 10 all the French language started to become a meaningless buzz in my head.
When I do remember to bring a gift, though, it’s usually a plant because I know that everyone in France loves that or there wouldn’t be a florist on every corner in town.
I love to throw French-themed dinner parties but I differ with the French in one important way. I ENCOURAGE my guests to bring wine. The more the better! 🙂
Yes, you are right on target. And, whereas in the States, a glass of wine is poured almost in seconds of arrival, it is sometimes 20-30 minutes before the first glass is poured ….always wait for all guest to arrive. And, yes, time at the table is long but I always know that we are close to the end when conversation turns to politics….I must say always discussed in an animated but civilized way….
What a fun article to read. I learned a lot. I feel prepared in case I’m ever invited to eat at a French home!! I love the Vieth sketches, paintings and tea towels! They’re just beautiful.
As usual, all of the above applies to Italy, too!
informative and fun article but I have a question along the same lines. WE will be visiting some dear friends in France in May and I was wondering what would be an appropriate gift to give someone that has graciously opened their home to us?
awwww thanks, Lynne! Don’t you just love the Love&Life column – the questions are outrageous.
Meanwhile… I need to be living in France if you dine like that all the time!! I hate when people rush through an evening as they do here all the time!
Once again, you’ve made me sigh!
xxx
This is fascinating to read Lynn of the dining styles. I wish people would stay out of my kitchen since it is my domain. Up until midnight? I used to be able to do this but not anymore. Enjoyed this very much!
Thank you,Lynn,for another wonderful(and informative!) post!
Especially liked the pictures;looks like a stellar time was had by all!
When we were invited to a friend’s home for dinner in Montreal,similar rules were in effect.We did exactly what you did for gift giving….lovely flowers and a nice bottle for their cave.
We were raised to always bring a gift when you are invited to someone’s house,regardless if it’s for dinner or not!
Your post harkens me back to a dinner I spent in the home of a friend’s friend years ago in Paris. I was a nervous wreck leading up to it and don’t remember whether or not I committed any sins of either omission or commission. Woe is me. . . I’m embarrassed even to contemplate it. I believe–or maybe it’s just delusion on my part–that it went o.k.
Thanks, I think, for bringing this up. While I don’t expect it to happen to me again since we don’t stay long enough anywhere in France, at least I can be sure to know the rules going forward.
And thanks, Lynn, for the book plus. Lovely.
Chris
Lynn (and others): Yes, I WILL get to Charleston and give you all a full review, but not for a while! We just returned from the west coast of Florida (hardly a gastronomic feast…) and won’t be on the road again until April! So stay tuned..
I also want to say how much I like Camille’s site: French Today. I drop by each week and always learn something new! Thanks for the shout out Lynn!
Lynn,
I was glad to read that I made the correct choice for my gift to the hostess when we were invited to a French home. I bought a flowering plant at one of the markets, but Jim still thought he should take wine. He purchased wine at a cave in the village where we were staying in a rental house. I believe the French couple was more nervous than we were about the meal together, not knowing what to expect from us. They said after it was over that we must get together again now that they knew we were just regular folks like themselves, or words to that effect. And, we did. The next meal was at our rental house which had swings and play equipment for their two children. Great blog as usual, Lynn. I appreciate the book tip about Southern France since I hope to be there this year. I hope they are ready for two more Southerners.